What's it like to express unconditional love?
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| Photo by Maessive. Creative Commons License 2.0 |
Most of us would claim to love someone unconditionally. Imagine a parent who even suggests that they don't unconditionally love their own child! Impossible!
But what exactly does unconditional love look like? How does it differ from other types of love? Do we really feel and express unconditional love for our parents, our spouse, or even our children?
To distinguish "unconditional love" from other types of love, it is helpful to consider two very different, perhaps even contradictory, notions of the word "attachment."
In psychology, the term "attachment" describes the deep emotional bond that connects one person to another. It is said that if a baby does not experience attachment with a caring adult within hours or days after birth, she can develop an "attachment disorder" that could affect the rest of her life.
Clearly, a "deep emotional bond" is fundamental to our health and well being and is perhaps the basis for all of our loving relationship ... but is this what defines a love that is unconditional?
In Buddhism, the term "attachment" is often used to signify one of the "three poisons" that are the source of all our suffering (the other two being ignorance and aversion). Here, the notion of "attachment" refers to the state of mind that engages others in a way that is grasping, that uses the other to fulfill one's own needs and expectations.
Through such an "attachment" the person we love no longer exist for us in any other way except in how they help to construct our own identities (as a spouse or a parent), or in how they help to satisfy our own emotional needs (so we don't feel lonely).
To distinguish between these two very different definitions of "attachment," I prefer to refer to the psychological notion as "bonding" and the Buddhist notion as "grasping."
Recognizing this difference is precisely what we need to do in order to understand exactly what constitutes unconditional love.
When we are capable of have a deep "bond" with another, we can experience love, but ... only when our state of mind is free from "grasping" are we capable of experiencing unconditional love!
How do we know if our attachments are based on "bonding" but are free from "grasping"?
We can witness the degree of our grasping in our reactions to loved ones who are not conforming to our expectations, or who we think are not behaving in ways we want them to behave! Who hasn't become angry or frustrated with their spouse, children or siblings when they do things that we oppose or disagree with? Who doesn't feel rejected or dissatisfied when a parent, partner or friend isn't as attentive or considerate or generous as we want them to be?
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| Yogi Paramahansa Yogananda |
As a young boy, Yogananda yearned to go to the Himalayas and practice meditation in seclusion. When he became a young man, he met Sri Yukteswar, who eventually became his beloved guru. But at first, Yogananda did not recognize the significance of his relationship with Sri Yukteswar, and he still maintained his childhood dream.
One day, he asked his guru for permission to leave, so he could go and meditate in the mountains. Sri Yukteswar responded with neither approval nor disapproval. He simply pointed out to that a mountain cannot be a guru.
One day, he asked his guru for permission to leave, so he could go and meditate in the mountains. Sri Yukteswar responded with neither approval nor disapproval. He simply pointed out to that a mountain cannot be a guru.
Noting that his guru had not explicitly denied him
permission to leave, Yogananda chose to go off and seek spiritual wisdom by himself. After some months, Yogananda recognized that his journey was not unfolding as he had believed it would, and he finally understood the meaning of
his guru’s parting message.
When he arrived back at the ashram, Yogananda asked his guru if he was disappointed or angry with him for departing so abruptly.
Sri Yukteswar replied, “No, of course not! Wrath springs only from thwarted desires. I do not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine. I would not use you for my own ends; I am happy only in your own true happiness” (Autobiography of a Yogi, 1946/2005: 165).
Unconditional love is a deep emotional bond that is free from expectation or obligation. It does not use the other to fulfill one's own ends, but instead experiences happiness when another has found true happiness.
For more, please see my other blog postings by scrolling up or down here, or by visiting my other The Six Realms of Samsara. My books are available through My Author's Spotlight Thank you!
Sri Yukteswar replied, “No, of course not! Wrath springs only from thwarted desires. I do not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine. I would not use you for my own ends; I am happy only in your own true happiness” (Autobiography of a Yogi, 1946/2005: 165).
Unconditional love is a deep emotional bond that is free from expectation or obligation. It does not use the other to fulfill one's own ends, but instead experiences happiness when another has found true happiness.
For more, please see my other blog postings by scrolling up or down here, or by visiting my other The Six Realms of Samsara. My books are available through My Author's Spotlight Thank you!
Wonderful post, Lindsey. I love the way you define the word attachment and use it to explain unconditional and conditional love. You make these important ideas accessible to everyone. I was introduced to Autobiography of a Yogi by my first meditation and spiritual teacher Anthony Damiani who opened the American Brahman Bookstore in 1967. I was his student until 1984 when he died. He passed his students on to the Dalai Lama three days before his death. I've had wonderful Hindu and Buddhist teachers. Anthony loved many traditions, but especially the Greeks, and more especially Plotinus. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elaine, for your thoughtful response. Yes, Autobiography of a Yogi is a classic. I find that the stories told by our teachers of their own spiritual journey better enables an understanding of the message than any statement of the theory. I try to witness the teachings in the daily, ordinary doings of my life. Thank you, too, for sharing your story about your teacher, Anthony Damiani. The relationship between the Guru (or Lama) and their chela is truly one of unconditional love.
DeleteWonderful post, Lindsey. I love the way you define the word attachment and use it to explain unconditional and conditional love. You make these important ideas accessible to everyone. I was introduced to Autobiography of a Yogi by my first meditation and spiritual teacher Anthony Damiani who opened the American Brahman Bookstore in 1967. I was his student until 1984 when he died. He passed his students on to the Dalai Lama three days before his death. I've had wonderful Hindu and Buddhist teachers. Anthony loved many traditions, but especially the Greeks, and more especially Plotinus. Thank you.
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