The Guru-Therapist Cartoon

A Seriously Lighthearted Saturday Morning Cartoon For Buddhists, Therapists, and Buddhist-Therapists.

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Tilopa's Six Words of Advice for Naropa

Translation by Ken McLeod. Creative Commons License 3.0

Don't recall ~ Let go of what has passed

Don't imagine ~ Let go of what may come

Don't think ~ Let go of what is happening now

Don't examine ~ Don't try to figure anything out

Don't control ~ Don't try to make anything happen

Rest ~ Relax, right now, and rest

For more, please see my other blog postings by clicking on "older posts" or "newer posts" below, or by visiting my other blog here The Six Realms of Samsara. My books are available through My Author's Spotlight  Thank you!

© 2015 Lindsey Ann Arnold. All rights reserved.

Acknowledging Our Ethical Debts

The Debt to the Mother~The Debt to the Child

In a beautifully poetic text entitled A Rose For Your Pocket, the esteemed Zen Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh asks us to consider whether we have loved our mothers enough and he reminds us of the debt we owe to our mothers, which is so great it quite possibly can never be repaid.

Thich Nhat Hanh. Photo by Red Wylie. Creative Commons License 2.0

When I think of my own mother, I am filled with love and gratitude for the care that she has always given me and my five siblings, and to our children, her eleven grandchildren. As my mother's child, the truth of Thich Nhat Hanh's message resonates deep within my heart. 

Thich Nhat Hanh's words apply to any primary caregiver who has nurtured a child when they were young. Indeed, The mother can be read a metaphor for the generous and nurturing earth that sustains us, and for The Great Mother, the source of all life, which is Spirit. 

Having acknowledged a debt to our mothers, we are then asked us to treat all others as we would treat our mothers. In this way, we are encouraged to recognize our ethical obligation to give back for the comfort, support and sustenance we have so generously been given.  

Four years ago, I had a personal experience that affirmed and expanded upon this notion of the ethical debt to the mother/other.

In this case, the debt that needed to be acknowledge was the debt owed to those who are the weakest, most vulnerable, and who have had (as yet) nothing to give.

Photo by Shobeir Ansari. Creative Commons License 2.0

Just prior to the adoption of our youngest son, I consulted my own spiritual mother, my Lama (whom I refer to as Mother Khandro). I had been experiencing feelings of fear and inadequacy as a potential caregiver for such a vulnerable child. I needed reassurances that I was doing the right thing by the boy we were about to adopt, as well as by the loving "foster" family he'd been living with. I also had concerns about the sudden change we were all about to experience as a family. 

The guidance Mother Khandro offered that day not only allayed all my fears but also taught me an invaluable lesson about the parent-child relationship and about the meaning of service to others. 

Mother Khandro told me that children come to us in this lifetime, seeking to be nurtured, for two reasons.  

Photo by John Eric. Creative Commons License 2.0

She explained that our children come to us (by birth or by adoption) because we have already spent past lives together and have prayed to be together again in this lifetime.

She also told me that during a past life—in our prior forms, within a relationship that was not necessarily a parent-child relationship—the soul who are now seeking our help to enter this lifetime must have performed for us a tremendous service. In some significant way, he or she had assisted us in moving forward along our spiritual path. And so now, it is our turn to provide them with our services and to nurture them as best we can. 

In other words, by providing our children with loving care, while they are in their most dependent, most vulnerable stages of childhood, we are in fact paying off a debt we have always already owed them.

This framing of the parent-child relationship is very different from what can sometimes be witnessed within our culture, where we parents can on occasion be overheard exclaiming regret or disappointment that—despite all of our hard work and sacrifice—our children do not ... what? Make the most of what they've been give? Behave in the way we have raised them to behave? Or appreciated all that we have done for them? 

Photo by Bradley P Johnson. Creative Commons License 2.0

Mother Khandro tells us that as mothers and fathers we owe a debt to our children, not the other way around; Likewise, Thich Nhat Hanh tells us that as grown children we owe a debt to our mothers.

In other words, we have an ethical obligation to fill our hearts with love and offer our service to those who have attended to our needs and to those who have come to us completely helpless,vulnerable and with nothing to give us but love. 

In every case, when we are face-to-face with the Other, we are in a position of humility and ethical obligation.* The services we offer are performed without expectation. Paying off debts means that we are owed nothing in return. 

Yet, the return and reward for our servitude will be beyond measure.

(*note: philosopher Emmanuel Levinas is another "Guru" who writes of our proximity to the other as a relationship of ethical obligation.)

For more, please see my other posts above or below, or on The Six Realms of Samsara. My books are available at My Author's Spotlight. Thank you!

Unconditional Love

What's it like to express unconditional love?

Photo by Maessive. Creative Commons License 2.0

Most of us would claim to love someone unconditionally. Imagine a parent who even suggests that they don't unconditionally love their own child! Impossible!

But what exactly does unconditional love look like? How does it differ from other types of love? Do we really feel and express unconditional love for our parents, our spouse, or even our children?

To distinguish "unconditional love" from other types of love, it is helpful to consider two very different, perhaps even contradictory, notions of the word "attachment."

In psychology, the term  "attachment" describes the deep emotional bond that connects one person to another. It is said that if a baby does not experience attachment with a caring adult within hours or days after birth, she can develop an "attachment disorder" that could affect the rest of her life. 

Clearly, a "deep emotional bond" is fundamental to our health and well being and is perhaps the basis for all of our loving relationship ... but is this what defines  a love that is unconditional?

In Buddhism, the term "attachment" is often used to signify one of the "three poisons" that are the source of all our suffering (the other two being ignorance and aversion). Here, the notion of "attachment" refers to the state of mind that engages others in a way that is grasping, that uses the other to fulfill one's own needs and expectations. 

Through such an "attachment" the person we love no longer exist for us in any other way except in how they help to construct our own identities (as a spouse or a parent), or in how they help to satisfy our own emotional needs (so we don't feel lonely). 

To distinguish between these two very different definitions of "attachment," I prefer to refer to the psychological notion as "bonding" and the Buddhist notion as "grasping."

Recognizing this difference is precisely what we need to do in order to understand exactly what constitutes unconditional love.

When we are capable of have a deep "bond" with another, we can experience love, but ... only when our state of mind is free from "grasping" are we capable of experiencing unconditional love!

How do we know if our attachments are based on "bonding" but are free from "grasping"?

We can witness the degree of our grasping in our reactions to loved ones who are not conforming to our expectations, or who we think are not behaving in ways we want them to behave! Who hasn't become angry or frustrated with their spouse, children or siblings when they do things that we oppose or disagree with? Who doesn't feel rejected or dissatisfied when a parent, partner or friend isn't as attentive or considerate or generous as we want them to be? 

Yogi Paramahansa Yogananda

In his Autobiography of a Yogi, Paramahansa Yogananda recounts a story that illustrates what unconditional love looks like.

As a young boy, Yogananda yearned to go to the Himalayas and practice meditation in seclusion. When he became a young man, he met Sri Yukteswar, who eventually became his beloved guru. But at first, Yogananda did not recognize the significance of his relationship with Sri Yukteswar, and he still maintained his childhood dream. 

One day, he asked his guru for permission to leave, so he could go and meditate in the mountains. Sri Yukteswar responded with neither approval nor disapproval. He simply pointed out to that a mountain cannot be a guru. 

Noting that his guru had not explicitly denied him permission to leave, Yogananda chose to go off and seek spiritual wisdom by himself.  After some months, Yogananda recognized that his journey was not unfolding as he had believed it would, and he finally understood the meaning of his guru’s parting message. 

When he arrived back at the ashram, Yogananda asked his guru if he was disappointed or angry with him for departing so abruptly. 

Sri Yukteswar replied, “No, of course not!  Wrath springs only from thwarted desires. I do not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine. I would not use you for my own ends; I am happy only in your own true happiness” (Autobiography of a Yogi, 1946/2005: 165).


Unconditional love is a deep emotional bond that is free from expectation or obligation. It does not use the other to fulfill one's own ends, but instead experiences happiness when another has found true happiness.

For more, please see my other blog postings by scrolling up or down here, or by visiting my other The Six Realms of Samsara.  My books are available through My Author's Spotlight  Thank you!

Abundance In An Instant

OMG! The Winning Ticket!

Okay, I'll admit it ... my heart will start racing at the thought of winning the big prize whenever I occasionally buy a $2 lotto ticket. Just imagine what it feels like to answer that last million dollar question correctly and go from completely broke to staggeringly wealthy in an instant. Wouldn't that be something?

But we all know that there's a difference between wealth and abundance, and only one of them truly leads to happiness, right?

Sometimes, doing something that seems completely out of character (like quitting a lucrative job to follow the dream of living off grid), or having something rather unexpected happen (like losing your job and learning that it is possible live on less), can actually help to put things into perspective. 

Very few of us would ever dare to make the choice to live on less. The vast majority of us, however, have been forced to do so (given the economy and the rate of poverty around the world), but we're not very happy about it. This is because we primarily think in terms of wealth and not in terms of abundance.

The source of abundance is deep within all of us.  Some would say it's in our hearts, others would say it's a state of mind. Abundance can be understood as the opposite of what in Buddhism is referred to as "grasping," which is one of the "three poisons" of the mind, and is associated with "attachment."   

To "grasp" or to be "attached" is to relate to everyone and everything in the world in a way that uses them for our own purposes, in order to fulfill our own needs. It sounds harsh, but it can be witnessed in every moment of every day: we work to get ahead, to have a comfortable home and enjoy some leisure time; our friends and family make us happy and we like to have them around to keep us company and take care of us when we are sick. This doesn't sound so bad, but when we lose our jobs and possessions, or when our spouses leave us and our children don't turn out quite the way we raised them, it is possible to see the degree to which we have needed them to fulfill our own ends.

The shift from "grasping" to "abundance" begins with recognizing the abundance in the world around us. The warmth and light of the sun and the rejuvenating rainfall are examples of abundance; they are given to us freely and without expectation. This abundance can flow through us as acts of kindness, service to others and generosity--when they are offered freely and without expectation. Paradoxically, the more we give, the more we will receive.  

In his autobiography, By His Grace: A Devotee's Story, Dada Mukerjee offers numerous stories that explain the nature of abundance from the life of his guru, the Indian saint Neem Karoli Baba (Maharajji). Dada describes how the storeroom in Maharajji's ashram was always stocked with enough food and supplies to care for all the travellers who came to him for respite. This sometimes raised suspicions regarding how Maharajji made his money. He had so much to give that people expected to find corruption in his practices or hypocrisy in his teachings, but there was neither.

Neem Karoli Baba (Maharajji)

Maharajji explained that everything, including money, came from Ram (an aspect of Shiva worshipped in the Hindu tradition ... think God or the universe, according to your preferences). And he said that "if you use it properly and avoid all misuse and wastage, there will always be enough." 

In addition to avoiding misuse (which includes over-consumption), Maharajji taught another important lesson regarding the flow of abundance.  He accepted all offerings that were freely given and he did not accept any offerings from people who were attached to their money. If there was an ulterior motive for giving and the offering came with "strings attached," he would not accept it; nor did he accept offerings that were given begrudgingly in a show of generosity.

The offering itself was not important to Maharajji. It was the intention behind the offering that mattered.

Everything Maharajji accepted went toward the running of the ashram. He himself owned and required very little. He had no attachment to any of the things that surrounded him, but his ashram was well supplied.

By having no attachment (never using things, other people and the resources of the world to fulfill one's own ends), by consuming only what we need and avoiding waste, and by accepting only what is freely given and in return giving freely, we will always have enough and we will be content with what we have. 

And this can happen for each us in an instant.

For more stories and insights, please see my other blog postings on by scrolling above or below, and also on The Six Realms of Samsara. My books can be found here in my Author's Spotlight. THANK YOU!

Things Just Happen ... Sometimes

Rejection, Annoying Inconveniences, and Dog Bites

Have you ever wondered why it is that at certain times in life nothing seems to go right? Most everyone, I imagine, has felt the sting of rejections from prospective dates, employers, or apartment managers.

Even my 70-year-old mother, who in my eyes is completely delightful and remarkably intelligent, once told me that she had been refused acceptance into not one, not two, but three book clubs over the years! 

Not my real mom but someone's mom, I'm sure

The reasons that are given for such rejections may vary. In my mom's case, they told her, in the first instance, that she didn't know the other members; in the second, that she didn't have enough education; and finally, that she'd have to wait until one of the current members died before being accepted.

It is this final reason that shines light on the true explanation for why things sometimes happen. Some things are inevitable. Rejection is inevitable, now and again. It is one of those things that just happen.

And as the case of my mom's rejection, maybe it was a good thing in all three cases and not just in the last (people die to get out of that club!).

Many times I have had what seem like, at worst, unsettling, and at best, annoyingly inconvenient, things happen in my life that I later recognized as blessings in disguise.

not a real Bhutanese border guard

One time, for example, while travelling overseas with my young son, I had to deal with rule-driven, insistent airport personnel who made my trip ... stressful, to say the least. In New Delhi, we were separated into "ladies" and "gents" security stations and there were several harrowing moments when my nine-year-old was out of my sight. Then, as we entered Bhutan, we got separated by a border officer who insisted that I go to one wicket and my son go to another.

While comparatively less stressful, this second separation seemed nonsensical and incredibly inconvenient, especially given that our entry visa was a single document. I had to go back and forth from my wicket, answering questions and showing our documents, to his wicket to answer the same questions there.

As I ran here and there, my mind filled with frustrated and angry thoughts about how ridiculous and overly obsequious the border guard was being.

Then, something curious happened. All of the $20 US bills I was carrying happened to be of an old serial series. (I'd found them in an old money belt while packing.) That is, all but one, which my American Aunt had unexpectedly sent to me as "spending money."

The boarder guard questioning me refused to accept any of the old bills and so I paid him with the new bill.  And the boarder guard questioning my son didn't even look at the serial number and so I was able to pay her with one of the old bills.

What originally seemed like an incredible inconvenience turned out to be the removal of what would have been a much more inconvenient situation had things unfold in any other way than the way the had.

the dog that bit my son was bigger and meaner looking

Sometimes, even when things are more than inconvenient--more than distressing--there are unknown reasons for why they have to happen.

While in Bhutan, my young son got bitten by a dog. Both my son and I were quite distressed by this event; he was filled with fear and I was filled with guilt.

To help us heal from this event, my guru told us that "sometimes dogs bite good people because they sense the person is in imminent danger." She told us that by biting the person, the dog changes the course of events and prevents the person from experiencing something much more serious. At the time, my family had been planning a trek to a distant monastery and our plans had necessarily been delayed while my son healed from the dog bite. There is no way of knowing what might have happened had the dog not bitten my son, had we not been delayed and had instead proceeded to go on the trek we had planned. Perhaps something more serious had been prevented ... in which case the dog bite can be seen as a blessing!

Who's to know whether or not any event that occurs is "good" or "bad"? Maintaining a state of acceptance, with perhaps a pinch of wonder, helps to keep down the stress level when things happen that make us feel as if nothing is going "right". Everything is truly just as it should be!

For further stories and insights, 
see The Land of Happiness: Reflections on a Journey, which can be found on my Author's Spotlight  Thank you!