When Fear and Joy are One

That Inexplicable Feeling That Shakes You to Your Core! 

In 1748, a fearsome storm threatened to shake apart the ship of John Newton, an English sailor, poet and slave trader. Thinking he would soon die, John Newton started to pray, and in the midst of this storm, he had a spiritual conversion. Eventually, his entire life was transformed, and he stopped his involvement in the slave trade and became a strong supporter of the abolitionist movement.

It was John Newton who wrote the well-known hymn Amazing Grace, which describes his spiritual epiphany.

Being within the presence of Grace, he tells us, has a "sweet sound"; it simultaneously teaches our hearts to fear and relieves all our fears.

Hearing these words, I have to wonder, Why does John Newton describe Grace in such a paradoxical way? How can Grace teach us to fear, and still be reassuring and even invoke joy?

Photo by Mark Maxwell. Creative Commons License 2.0

There are stories from many religions that describe this mixture of joy and fear and comfort that happens when someone is in the presence of Spirit. 

One that easily comes to mind is the story of  Jesus's disciples who become terrified during a storm at sea and are reassured by Jesus that they have nothing to fear.

In Mark’s version of the story Jesus is asleep in the boat and the disciples are filled with fear at the ferocity of an approaching storm.  They awaken Jesus, telling him of their fears, and after Jesus calms the storm, he turns to his disciples and asks them, “What are you afraid of?”   (Mark 4: 35-41)  Here, Jesus shows the disciples that he is not afraid of the storm,  that there is no reason to fear, and that he has the power to calm it. Jesus is able to allay all their fears. 

In John’s version of the story, the disciples have gone out in a boat leaving Jesus behind on the shore.  In the midst of a fearsome storm, the disciples see Jesus approaching, walking on the water, and they are terrified.  To calm them, Jesus says, “It is I; Don’t be afraid.”   (John 6: 35-41)  Here, Jesus and the storm, together, are the source of the disciples fear.  The sight of him approaching amidst the storm is  terrifying. Again, Jesus is able to calm the storm and reassure them. 

The above versions of the story tell us that, on this occasion, Jesus's presence, like the presence of Grace experienced by John Newton, made his disciples fearful and yet also calmed their fears.

From these stories, we can understand that in the presence of spirit, fear and joy are one.

I believe that at some point in our lives we will all experience this, perhaps more than once, but whether or not it leads to a spiritual epiphany depends upon our response.

Photo by Fr Lawrence Lew, O.P. Creative Commons License 2.0 

Spirit is always present, but there are times when we are open to experiencing the presence of Spirit in a way that has the potential to dramatically move us along our spiritual path.

Often these "openings" are sparked by a traumatic event in our lives, like a life-threatening experience (such as a terrifying storm at sea), or the onset of an illness, the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the loss of a career.

When events like these occur, our sense of self can get shaken. It is as if the external death or loss sparks an internal "death" as well. Depending upon the loss we're facing, we might not be able to continue to identify ourselves as, say, a "daughter or son," "wife or husband," or "worker," or at least we might not be able to identify ourselves in these ways as we had before the traumatic event.

Suddenly, a crack appears in the armour of our identity.  Everything we knew about who we are, about who others are in relation to us, and about what we had expected to happen in our future becomes unstable. The permanency of our own sense of self is exposed as an illusion.

Photo by Summer Skyes 11. Creative Commons  License 2.0

What shines through the cracks in our armour is Spirit. 

In Buddhism, nirvana (the state of no self, or what I refer to as spirit) is our true state. It is always already within us, but it is obscured by samsara (the cycle of rebirth), which is experienced by those whose states of mind are affected by the "three poisons"—ignorance, grasping and aversion. Identity is an effect of samsara.

We create narratives about who we are and who others are in relation to us as a way of maintaining our sense of individuality, and this process of constructing our identity maintains our ignorance about the source from which we have all emerged.

In other words, our identity is like a suit of armour that we wear, and we think that it protects us. It seems to give us a sense of being in control, though this is an illusion.  And instead of protecting us, our identity armour in fact obscures our true state, which is the state of oneness within spirit. 

 (For a more detailed explanation see First the Self and then the 'Three Poisons'.)

When we are in the throes of those moments in our lives that destabilize our sense of self, the armour of identity we wear is weakened and we become more open to sensing the presence of spirit. Because this feels as if we are losing control, we are fearful.

We must try and remember, just as Jesus tells us, "It is I: Don't be afraid."

Recognizing that being in the presence of spirit can create such paradoxical feelings will hopefully enable us to set aside our fears and let go of control. We can become conduits for the spirit that is trying to shine through, and in this way, discover that spirit removes all of our fears. We will then feel only joy. 

For more, please see my other blog postings by clicking on "older posts" or "newer posts" below, or by visiting my other blog here The Six Realms of Samsara. My books are available through My Author's Spotlight  Thank you!

Unconditional Love

What's it like to express unconditional love?

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Most of us would claim to love someone unconditionally. Imagine a parent who even suggests that they don't unconditionally love their own child! Impossible!

But what exactly does unconditional love look like? How does it differ from other types of love? Do we really feel and express unconditional love for our parents, our spouse, or even our children?

To distinguish "unconditional love" from other types of love, it is helpful to consider two very different, perhaps even contradictory, notions of the word "attachment."

In psychology, the term  "attachment" describes the deep emotional bond that connects one person to another. It is said that if a baby does not experience attachment with a caring adult within hours or days after birth, she can develop an "attachment disorder" that could affect the rest of her life. 

Clearly, a "deep emotional bond" is fundamental to our health and well being and is perhaps the basis for all of our loving relationship ... but is this what defines  a love that is unconditional?

In Buddhism, the term "attachment" is often used to signify one of the "three poisons" that are the source of all our suffering (the other two being ignorance and aversion). Here, the notion of "attachment" refers to the state of mind that engages others in a way that is grasping, that uses the other to fulfill one's own needs and expectations. 

Through such an "attachment" the person we love no longer exist for us in any other way except in how they help to construct our own identities (as a spouse or a parent), or in how they help to satisfy our own emotional needs (so we don't feel lonely). 

To distinguish between these two very different definitions of "attachment," I prefer to refer to the psychological notion as "bonding" and the Buddhist notion as "grasping."

Recognizing this difference is precisely what we need to do in order to understand exactly what constitutes unconditional love.

When we are capable of have a deep "bond" with another, we can experience love, but ... only when our state of mind is free from "grasping" are we capable of experiencing unconditional love!

How do we know if our attachments are based on "bonding" but are free from "grasping"?

We can witness the degree of our grasping in our reactions to loved ones who are not conforming to our expectations, or who we think are not behaving in ways we want them to behave! Who hasn't become angry or frustrated with their spouse, children or siblings when they do things that we oppose or disagree with? Who doesn't feel rejected or dissatisfied when a parent, partner or friend isn't as attentive or considerate or generous as we want them to be? 

Yogi Paramahansa Yogananda

In his Autobiography of a Yogi, Paramahansa Yogananda recounts a story that illustrates what unconditional love looks like.

As a young boy, Yogananda yearned to go to the Himalayas and practice meditation in seclusion. When he became a young man, he met Sri Yukteswar, who eventually became his beloved guru. But at first, Yogananda did not recognize the significance of his relationship with Sri Yukteswar, and he still maintained his childhood dream. 

One day, he asked his guru for permission to leave, so he could go and meditate in the mountains. Sri Yukteswar responded with neither approval nor disapproval. He simply pointed out to that a mountain cannot be a guru. 

Noting that his guru had not explicitly denied him permission to leave, Yogananda chose to go off and seek spiritual wisdom by himself.  After some months, Yogananda recognized that his journey was not unfolding as he had believed it would, and he finally understood the meaning of his guru’s parting message. 

When he arrived back at the ashram, Yogananda asked his guru if he was disappointed or angry with him for departing so abruptly. 

Sri Yukteswar replied, “No, of course not!  Wrath springs only from thwarted desires. I do not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine. I would not use you for my own ends; I am happy only in your own true happiness” (Autobiography of a Yogi, 1946/2005: 165).


Unconditional love is a deep emotional bond that is free from expectation or obligation. It does not use the other to fulfill one's own ends, but instead experiences happiness when another has found true happiness.

For more, please see my other blog postings by scrolling up or down here, or by visiting my other The Six Realms of Samsara.  My books are available through My Author's Spotlight  Thank you!